My First Mother’s Day Without My Mom
Never in a million years did I think that last year, around this time, was the last time calling to wish my mom a Happy Mother’s Day. I thought I had so many more to celebrate with her. I wish I can take back every moment with my mom to make it even more special, even though I can’t. I wish that I could have shown her all the love she deserved. I wish that I made her that special photo book I’ve been wanting to make for the longest time, but never got to it.
When you become a mom, you realize all the hard work a mother puts in to raise her kids. The first time I really appreciated my mother was after I had my own children. I always appreciated her but when I became a mom, I realized what a mother does to make her children happy. They go above and beyond, even on the hardest of days. That was my mother, she always tried her best to fill us with joy.
About seven months ago, on October 1, 2019, I lost my mother, who was always full of life and made the world smile. It was sudden and unexpected. She had an early stage of breast cancer that cleared but a few years later, it metastasized to her back near her spine.
My mom was having back pain for months but she prolonged it, wanting to find out why but kind of knew it was something bad. It ended up being metastatic cancer, a tumor near her spine. After her CT scan results, my mom’s physician told her to leave for the ER immediately to get it removed with emergency surgery. They said that if it grows larger and hits her spine, she had a chance of becoming paralyzed. That really frightened her and I remember feeling it in her voice from the conversion I had with her before she left for the hospital. She had left me a voicemail before we spoke, that I listen to over and over because that was my last voice message from her. Even after we spoke, I still tried to call her one more time but since she was in so much pain, she was napping before the ambulance came to get her, and I never got to talk to her again.
At the emergency room, overnight, as she was getting tested for her surgery preparation, she had an aortic dissection. Her heart gave out. It was sudden and around 4 AM. My father was at the hospital till 2 AM. Since my mom was sleeping, he went home to get some rest and wanted to get his car since my uncle brought him to the hospital. He was planning on returning in a few hours before she would go in for her surgery. He got a phone call from the hospital instead, that we lost my mother. This all happened so fast that I couldn’t even be there.
My dad was calling me, trying to reach me from early in the morning around 5 AM. I didn’t even hear my phone, until my landline rang. I will never forget how I felt that moment I found out. I can’t even explain it because the shock hurt so much, it didn’t even feel real to me. It felt like a nightmare.
The thing that haunts me the most is that my mom was completely alone when she died. Part of me wants to believe it happened that way because she wanted us to remember her being full of life. The ironic thing going on today with the Coronavirus Pandemic, there are so many people dying alone. This makes me so upset as it brings me back to my mom being alone during her final moments. I wish nothing more than those fighting this deadly virus to be back together with their family because I think of my mother often and how she was alone too.
Mother’s Day is in a few days and the only thing I wish for is to celebrate it with my mom. I wish I can thank her for the inspirational human she was, how she taught me the importance of being kind to others, for fighting to give birth to me when she fell and the doctors didn’t hear my heart beat inside her for 48 hours. I don’t even know where I’d begin because there is so much gratitude I have in my heart towards her.
She had an extraordinary zest for life, she gave with all her heart, she made people laugh, smile, and cry through her beautiful soul. Anyone who crossed my mom’s path, became a lifelong friend. She even received messages on her obituary from people I didn’t even know. One person wrote, “I talked to you for only an hour in one of my darkest times of my life. But I knew you would be my friend forever! You were a part in the healing of my ever-broken heart. I remember your kind words and the many kisses and hugs as we were sharing our hearts. I will never forget you!” This message alone expresses how she touched everybody’s heart and made a difference in their life.
I know my angel mom is always with me… Happy Mother’s Day Mommy, I love you with all my heart. I miss our good morning calls, I miss our texts, I miss how you would sit on the floor and play with the kids, I miss how you would make me laugh out of nowhere, I miss you constantly telling me to keep in touch with everyone and reminding me of everyone’s birthday, I even miss bickering back and forth over the silliest of things. You always went above and beyond for everyone. I just wish I could go back to the days when I just simply hugged you and felt like everything will be okay. You always believed in me, taught me to be strong, and gave me confidence that I can get through it all. I will forever be grateful for the amazing human you were because it taught me the most important lessons in life; kindness, faith, love, hope, gratitude, and respect. I know you may no longer be with us today, but I know I have you as an angel now walking right beside me and my family. Happy Mother’s Day, I love you always and forever.